Last night I had a profound sexual healing experience that resulted in a tangible physical transformation.
I’ve been having some issues with my right hip over the last several weeks, which interestingly coincided with reuniting with an old lover.
The issues were so bad at first that I thought I might need Rolfing, or some serious body work. As the issue progressed, I was concerned I might even need surgery, because the pain was so excruciating I was having a hard time walking.
Yesterday I had the internal “hit” that I needed some self care in the form of self-pleasure/solo Tantra, so I took some Advil, and set up for my Tantra date with Devi. I prepped the room, had a nice hot bath, oiled myself up, did my 5 Element Tantra Meditations, and got down to business.
Initially, I had a wonderful time just letting my fingers explore my vulva. I experienced a whole new dimension of sensual touch, delighting in the feel of my oiled fingers sliding along my labia, touching, tickling, teasing. Enjoying the different sensations of smooth skin vs. my newly replenished pubic hair against my finger tips. I played like that for awhile, stroking my whole body, loving and nourishing myself with my own touch.
Then I got to the sexual pleasure part, and began rubbing my clitoris, which surprisingly felt somewhat numb. It was surprising because I do my 20 minute Orgasmic Awareness practice almost everyday, and my clitoral sensation has been phenomenal lately, so I knew that something was “amiss” in this particular session.
I could feel sensation, but it was almost like feeling through a filter or a veil, as if I had saran wrap between my finger and my clit. The sensation was there, but it was muted.
As I continued, my clit got progressively more numb. I began to feel frustrated, angry. My body wasn’t responding. It wasn’t working. I became somewhat bored, and wanted the session to be over– just get it over with.
I noticed what I was feeling and thinking, and so I stopped for a few moments, put my hand over my heart and my hand over my Yoni, and did some Tantric Ocean Breath, connecting my emotional body with my sexual center.
After a few moments of Ocean Breath, I went back to pleasuring and noticed I had a bit more sensation. I used my Lelo vibe on the legs of my clitoris for awhile, to help my internal erectile tissue engorge some more.
I relaxed into the sensation, alternating between pleasure and numbness, pleasure and numbness, relaxing and breathing through the experience.
Then I had the desire for sensation inside my vagina, so I used my honey dipper wand to stimulate my g-spot, and WOW. That was when things really took off.
My body held the memory of the last time my lover had been with me, the feel of him inside me, the exact areas his cock would stroke as he moved within me. My body arched, my throat opened, and I made love to myself with the memory of him in my mind.
Now please note- said lover is my lover no more. It was a fast and fleeting reunion, and his exit was abrupt, painful, and emotionally damaging. Hence my achey breaky hip the last few weeks!
I continued to love myself through the imprint of him, and after awhile, had a powerful, epically pleasurable orgasm, which caused me to scream out in ecstasy.
And immediately after the ecstacy, the storm inside my heart broke open, and I wept, and sobbed, and grieved from the core of my being.
The storm was relatively brief, lasting 15-20 minutes maybe, but I cried so hard, there was no ME left.
It felt as if my very cells were grieving, from the deepest core of my soul. I mourned the loss of this particular love, and all the love I had ever known- and later realized was nothing more than an illusion.
There were threads of previous partners, as well as old abusers and abuses, which were all washed away in this literal flood of tears.
When I was done grieving, I cleaned up and spent some time journaling about my experience. Connecting with all the messages of love that were streaming through, after the pathways of my heart had been cleared.
Now here is the really trippy part. After waking up every morning for the last several weeks with my hip aching so badly I literally hobbled and limped to the bathroom for my morning pee, when I woke up today my hip was 100% fine. Really. It’s freaking crazy. Yesterday I could barely walk, and today my right hip is 100% able and ready to carry me forward in life, because I let go of the past in a flood of ecstasy and tears.